Bidet to you, Sir

I cannot believe I did not mention this from day 1. Maybe because I had a tryst-like experience with it today, it deserves some mentioning.

So, the bidet is very common here in Argentina. In almost every house, and many public places I have been to, there has been a bidet. I wasn´t overly confused as many are the first time they see one, but I was shocked. I figured these were mainly an older European commonality, and to be fair, they did originate in France. In yet another United States Vs. Argentina conversation I had with The Mother, she asked why we didn´t have them in The States. To be quite honest, I wasn´t sure. But you bet I invented a damn good reason after her statement:

¨Todos Los Yankee´s (pronounced Zhankees) tienen culos sucios.¨ -TRANSLATION- All of those American´s have dirty asses.

Oh no she didn´t, (snap)!!!

So I began with the false fact that bidets are in Argentina because it´s a third world country and many years ago, the poorer people couldn´t afford toilet paper. (With this, I thought I was golden, nothing more to be said). The Mother then contradicted my faux history and said that poor people don´t have bidets, that it´s for the mid-upper class. Poorer people cannot afford them.

(Shit).

I then followed with the ever-so made up idea that the bidet is an invention that is derived from poverty stricken individuals who cleansed them selves post potty usage. True, they didn´t have a bidet, however, these people also couldn´t afford the luxury of paper, especially to waste on tushy cleaning, so they washed their tokus in a lake or river, and those more advanced used a bucket of water near their area of waste depositing. I capped it off with the idea that since the US is not a third world country, there was no need for the invention, as we have something more glorious, Charmin 2ply Toilet Paper.

They bought it and I had an immediate and brief thought that I should attend Law School.

My fictitious story still did not stop me from the occasional squat on the bidet. When in Rome....or in my case, When in Argentina....

This was just fine and dandy until this morning. I was hanging out in the bathroom, and decided to get down with the bidet. I have used it a few times here, and mostly it´s just cold and I can barley sit there for more than a second. (I found it great for washing my feet instead). But today I got the nerve and Frenched up to sit down. As my luck would have it, I turned it on just enough to graze my bare bum, and apparently that wasn´t enough. The pipes immediately shot a forceful stream of water ( which should only to be used by fire hoses) in my anal cavity. If felt similar to what I´d imagine an enema feels like- not horrible, but so unexpected I yelped. I did not bargain to be water sodomized this morning, but hey, you can´t win em´ all.

I don´t think I´ll be fraternizing with the bidet in my time left here, it was too aggressive. I usually prefer someone buy me a drink and maybe take me on a date before we get that familiar with the downstairs backdoor. If anything, my hope is that The Mother doesn´t google the History of the Bidet and find out my lying tendencies. Nevertheless, on the ´hole,´ (Pun Intended) it was an experience to mention!

Bidet to you!